Functional Adulthood as a Spiritual Practice

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By Nancy Minister, Workshop Facilitator, Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows

In this Mindful Monday series, we have presented many different ways of being mindful and many different benefits of having a mindfulness practice. We know that mindfulness is a deliberate practice and a deliberate experience of being present in the moment.

Today, I’m excited to talk about a passion of mine, which is working with the core issues and the ego states within mindfulness meditation. Meditation helps us to move away from our wounded child ego state and toward our functional adult ego state.

The Wounded Child Ego State

At The Meadows, we teach about the ego states as they were laid out by Senior Fellow Pia Mellody in her work on the Model of Developmental Immaturity. She explains that how our thinking and beliefs can be distorted in the wounded child ego state.

Meet Nancy Minister Workshop Facilitator, Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows

Sometimes, when we find ourselves in our wounded child ego state, we feel like we’re not as good as other people and we feel bad about ourselves.

We also tend to feel very vulnerable. We’re not able to protect ourselves when someone is critical or just not being present with us. We take it personally. We tend to have difficulty staying present because we give into our distorted thinking and we feel uncomfortable being in our bodies.

We tend to not really do good self-care when we’re in that place. We operate in extremes. We feel out of control.

It’s very difficult and painful to be in that state, so we learn how to avoid or discharge some of those negative feelings in a variety of ways. We do it by being judgmental of others and comparing ourselves with others. If we can see what’s wrong with someone else, it makes us feel better about ourselves.

We can start to become offensive in the ways that we want to control other people or give them advice.

We also tend to put up walls. Sometimes this includes not being able to ask anyone for any help; we have to do it all ourselves.

And, we can sometimes feel that we have to be “good” or “perfect” in order to make everything okay.

This is all part of that adapted wounded child place.

Moderation as a Spiritual Practice

I and my team had the wonderful privilege of spending some time with Pia Mellody recently. She reminded us all that working on our core issues and learning to live moderately is a spiritual practice.

It’s a spiritual practice to love ourselves and feel equal to other people.

It’s a spiritual practice to have boundaries, to be able to be connected with our selves in a way that we can separate from others and just value our own life experiences. We can also value others and allow them to be who they are, and we can build intimacy by sharing who we are through healthy boundaries.

When I’m in that place, I can hold boundaries. I can allow others to be who they are without getting all worked up about it or thinking I need to be a certain way in response.

I can also be fully present in my reality. When we are able to be present in the moment with our experience rather than seeing things in a way that’s distorted, we can feel truly connected. Finally, the functional adult place is a place of moderation. When we’re in that place we tend to be able to take care of our needs and wants in an appropriate way.

I have have found that when I sit and meditate on a daily basis I’m better able to be in my functional adult place, and to have the experiences I’ve described.

Take five minutes for yourself, every day, to relax, and to connect with yourself and your functional adult state in a deeper way.

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Couples Recovering from Sex Addiction Can Reconnect

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By Dr. Georgia Fourlas, LCSW, LISAC, CSAT, Rio Retreat Center Lead Therapist

There is an indescribable beauty in watching participants move into a deeper level of intimacy after struggling through the destruction of sexual addiction.

We recently held our first session of Discovery to Recovery Part 3: From Grief to Hope, a unique workshop for couples who have already begun a journey of recovery from sex addiction. The workshop focuses on helping the couple make a transition from despair to renewal.

The rebuilding process set in motion during the workshop helps couples move their focus from the individual’s addiction to the couple and their attachment. Many couples come to this session feeling that they are stuck in grief, which can leave them feeling hopeless and helpless. The grieving process that couples embark on together throughout the week allows them to honor the pain caused by other forces in their lives while examining how that pain has kept them emotionally separated.

Through honoring that pain and re-connecting with one another, couples begin to experience the hope that not only can attachment be repaired, but also that they can experience emotional intimacy that can surpass what they ever believed possible in their lives. I like to think of this as intimacy beyond their wildest dreams, which can be experienced regardless of whether or not the couple is staying together.

Some couples decide it is best for them to move forward apart while building on the hope that they can continue to honor one another as healthy co-parents or in another capacity that respects both partners while they go their separate ways. Others decide to make staying together in a mutually fulfilling and loving relationship their goal.

Experiencing Recovery Together

Dr. Ken Adams, the architect of the Discovery to Recovery workshops, has a deep passion for healing couples. He recognized that there was a gap in services for those who were looking for ways to re-attach, seek the next level of change, and achieve deeper levels of recovery together.

Dr. Adams describes how couples survive the chaos of addiction, but do not always have the opportunity to experience full emotional recovery together. They often become stuck in the negative patterns of interaction that are driven by ineffective attempts to feel understood and to have their emotional needs met by their partners. They move from the addiction to a place where they either continue to spin in pain, shame, anger, and resentment, or they disconnect emotionally and feel stuck in a relationship that they feel is emotionally unsafe.

Dr. Adams says that he views the Discovery to Recovery workshop series as “an invitation to integrate recovery concepts as a couple.” This requires a paradigm shift—the perception must move away from the problem of the individual toward the solution that can be provided as a couple. The solution involves healing through emotional reconnection and attachment repair.

One participant who recently completed the workshop said, “This workshop facilitated an 180-degree shift in how we have been relating to each other. We were very much stuck in conflict and separate corners, wanting to come together, but lost as to how to do that. This workshop showed us how to soften toward each other to allow the connection we both wanted to find, a starting place.”

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